I apologize.

There's always those days where you don't know why, but you just don't feel like yourself. This was me today. I was quiet and felt gloomy and so unlike myself. It wasn't PMS; it wasn't because it was rainy, and it wasn't because of dumb drama. (Drama you thought you'd be done with once you got out of high school, but then realize that even in college there's kids that think they are still in high school and will do anything to create drama.) But back to now.

It just didn't make sense. I felt like a lost puppy all day wandering around hoping to find my owner, but not knowing where I was. I didn't want to feel like this, but I couldn't help it. It was as if the real me was being shoved aside by this girl who was rude and dark. I hated her, but that just added anger to my pot of gloom.

It was a long day; a Monday which also seemed to make it seem worse! All day, I felt like crying for the littlest things! It was so annoying. I would hear someone tell their friend a sad story and I would want to cry! I would hear a simple, beautiful song and my mind screamed "CRY!" I refused. I would not be that girl, the girl that cries for no reason. The girl that when everyone else is singing she breaks down sobbing. That would not be me. So when my eyes automatically started to tear up I stopped them in their tracks. They would not get past me. I was the gatekeeper of my soul and nothing would pass without my permission.

Fast-forward to tonight. It's been a looooooong day. I am tired. I am worn. I am frustrated. I am angry at myself for being tired and worn and frustrated, and finally I let loose. I cry and I don't even try and stop the tears. The gatekeeper retired for the day, and anything goes past without inspection. I don't like the wet tracks on my cheeks, but my soul is feeling more free so I let it go on. Everything from the day is washed away by these salty tears. I cry an ocean and when it's over nothing remains. The bitterness, anger, and other suppressed feelings are gone. Only I remain. My body too limp to do anything but slouch in my bed, and my brain too tired to do anything but hope I never experience this again.

So this is my apology to anyone that had to deal with me today. I take full credit for the sad, depressed girl that you saw; there's no one else to blame. I would love to say it wasn't me, but I would be lying. All I know is that I never want to be that girl again. If that means crying once in a while just because, then so be it. This day I promise to try and be the girl that not just you expect me to be, but to be everything I expect of myself. To not be transparent and insecure-this is my goal. Thank you to all that deal with me despite my imperfections. <3 xoxoxo

~GreenGirl