Just A Year Has Passed…

I wasn't as close to my Papa as some poeple may be with their grandparents, but He changed the way I thought about myself.

One instance I remember so vividly was on one of the rare occasions when my mom's parents came to visit us all the way out in California. It was at our newest house in Napa Wine County, the yellow one located on San Vicente Ave, and thy hadn't visited there yet.

They had just arrived, and I ran to meet them in the front marble hallway. It'd been a while since I'd actually seen them in person. Usually it was just their voices over the phone a couple times a year. So boy was I excited to see them! Plus I got to show off my newest accessory.

In the fifth grade I had to get glasses. I didn't necessarily like them on my face. They blocked my eyes. Some had started calling me four-eyes, nerd, and other "innocent" nicknames. My grandparents had seen pictures, but in person was different. And I don't know why, but for one who didn't like her glasses much I was excited to show them off!

My grandpa gave me a big hug when I saw him. The best kind of hugs! The ones where you get squeezed so hard you feel your organs smooshing together. The kind that in the future I hoped I could learn to give! His voice, which I can't explain but can still hear in my head, greeted me by my full name "Noelani" as he always did. But it was the next action that left an imprint on me that I'll never forget. I looked up at my Papa, and he noticed my glasses and using his pinky he slid them back up my nose. I laughed. He called me cute. That meant everything in the whole world. From then on, nothing anyone could say to me could make me feel bad about glasses. I felt more confident about them.

To this day I like them. I prefer them to contacts, and I even have multiple pairs of frames. Thanks to my Papa I was able to feel good about glasses. They weren't a bad thing. They only accentuated the features God gave me, and God made my eyes the way they are so that's nothing to be ashamed of.

This summer I went to camp to work as a media intern. I didn't know that I would be giving a devotional to young junior camp girls, but alas I did. What did I talk about? How they are fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves them each uniquely in the way he made them. I told them my story about not liking glasses, but learning to accept them because that's how God made me. One of the girls afterward said, "Thank you, Auntie Noni. I don't like my glasses either, but maybe I will try to now."

Papa without realizing it has had such an impact on not just my life, but also kids at junior camp this past summer in California. All he did was compliment me, but what a difference it's made.

And now, whenever I use my pinky to slide my glasses back up my nose, I remember Papa. I am reminded of his voice, his hugs, and how much my heart will always ache wishing he were around just a little longer…

God's DIY Project

This past week at Wolf Mountain we didn't have any Junior Campers so we had the week off from normal activities. However, this is not to say that staff was without responsibilities. We spent the week working on different projects around camp. Two of the large projects I got to work on were cleaning, sanding, and painting an old Coca-Cola trailer and also creating (from scratch) a flower planter.

It's quite interesting how God uses these instances throughout the week to teach me little life lessons. Two weeks ago, a bunch of campers from Nevada stayed at Trailhead. At the end of the week when they were all ready to head home a bunch of the kids were wearing similar shirts. They were bright neon colors and on the back it said, "God's not done working on (insert name)." I complimented them because I love that thought. We are God's project. We were each created in His image, but we will not be perfected until we reach Heaven one day. However, each day that we live our Christian lives, we should be striving to be more like him.

This week as we worked on cleaning up the old Coca-Cola trailer to use for storage, I noticed that in order to make it look beautiful we had to first make it ugly. The first step was to clean up the obvious dirt and grime. We washed off the dust and got rid of the cobwebs. It looked better when it was cleaned up a little, but you could tell it still had a long way to go before it was done. The next step was to sand it down. After the sanding process, the trailer looked rough, almost worse then it did after the washing! It seemed we had taken a step back, but in order for the paint to stick to the trailer we had to get rid of the old paint and rust. Finally after sanding we began painting, but it took a couple days. Why? Because one coat of paint was not enough! Paint was exactly what the trailer needed, but it was a constant process of touching up spots that kept getting messed up. Now at the end of the process, the trailer looks so nice! Me and the rest of the team that worked on it were so proud, but if you look closely you can still see spots that aren't perfect, or that have a little rust left. Does that mean the trailer can't be used because it's not perfect? No, absolutely not!

I'm sure reading through the above paragraph you know where I'm going with this, but just as I worked on a team this past week to fix up the Coca-Cola trailer, God is working on us. We are dirty then we get cleaned up. Sometimes we think we're all done, but we're not even close! God's still got lots to do in our lives. Next, God has to sand down areas of our lives. Sometimes it's hard to see how this step is helpful, and it can hurt, but you have to keep the end goal in mind. We will be used by God! It may seem that we're just getting worse, but don't lose faith. He's not finished with you yet! Then God starts painting and bringing newness to our life. But it doesn't happen all of a sudden; it's a process, and even after it's all said and done, we won't be perfect. People can still pick at us and say, "Look! I can see you used to be ugly, why should I be like you if you're not perfect!" But God can still use us. No, we're not perfect, but God is. And God can use imperfect people to complete His perfect plan. Isn't that great news? :)

-GreenGirl

Fixing up the old Coca-Cola trailer. 

The finished result! :D

My Little Sunday Blessing

When I packed to come to camp I brought only the essentials, and when it came time to pick out shoes I was smart. I chose only the most sensible shoes and the ones that I wouldn’t care tossing at the end of summer since they would probably get dirty and ruined. Because of these reasons I chose only the necessary pairs of shoes (no need ruining more than need be!) ;) I had a couple pairs of shoes that were practically on the verge of entering the garbage can, but I decided to pull them back from the edge until the end of summer so I could bring them to camp. One of these pairs were white slip-on tennis shoes. Well this past week, those shoes ripped all across the stitching on the top. It was very unfortunate because I only needed them to last a couple more weeks, but I told myself  that’s my fault for going and bringing my oldest pairs of shoes to camp where I’m on my feet all day.

So today is Sunday, and almost every week while we’re in town for church in the morning we stop (either before or after) for a trip to Walmart to pick up essentials. Before we went in I sent up a small prayer asking God to give me a pair of shoes. Although I knew I wanted a new pair of shoes I also knew it wasn’t essential, and I could survive the rest of the summer without them so I wasn’t counting on anything, but nevertheless, as I walked into Walmart I mentally added "shoes" to my list. I would at least look. When I finished grabbing my necessary items I made my way to the shoes, and it wasn’t looking too promising as I walked the aisles seeing multiple pairs for normal prices (which is over my budget). But then! I saw the glorious yellow signs, “CLEARANCE!” Yes! I power walked over their and furiously scored the rack with my big brown eyes. That’s when I spotted them, practically hanging on a string from heaven. :) A size 10 (ya ya, I have big feet) pair of white tennis shoes, the only ones left, and they were on sale for $3! What? That’s crazy! But sure enough when I went to check out they were $3!

I know it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I didn’t find a pair of white shoes at Walmart, and I know that God didn’t need to do that for me, but He did, and it made my Sunday extra special. He listens to our prayers and our whining and our complaining, and He loves us regardless. Thank you, Lord!

-GreenGirl

No Need to Worry

Well I officially survived my first week of actual camp with campers arriving on Monday and leaving this morning. It was (to sum it up in one word) exhausting. I got off of work at 2 p.m. today and was asked by friends what I was going to do to which I replied, “I have a to-do list and at the top is taking a nap.” I’m not a counselor, I’m not a director, and I don’t work with the kids 24/7, but the camp life is always on your feet, always working on something and always thinking two steps ahead to the next task. But despite the energy it zaps from me; I’m loving what I’m doing, and God is teaching me so much!

This past week, I had a night where due to technology choosing to be obstinate I was up later than usual because camp is so tiring I was worried I was going to be extra out of it the next morning (especially since I chose to drink an espresso drink at 9:30!) But it was that night that God decided to speak to me. I was riding back up the hill to my cabin in the back of a friend’s pick up truck. I decided to lay down for the short ride. It was around 11 p.m., and the sky was black and blue, and the stars were twinkling. The breeze chilled my sunburnt shoulders, and the crickets and other bugs sang a melody of summer. It was then, staring into the sky that looks so threatening yet so comforting that I realized, God is in control. The Creator did not just create me in his image, but He is in control of my life and knows exactly what’s going to happen. I do not need to worry.

I don’t need to stress about forgetting my duties at camp. I don’t need to fret about where money will come from for school. I don’t need to worry about my family and friends and my future and the unknown — because God’s got it. The God that made the stars, the trees, the crickets, the breeze -- that God made me and loves me and cares for me. To worry is to take the easy rode, to be lazy and not pray and not trust God. Trusting God takes guts, but God knew that and that’s why He gave me guts to use for Him. (I know; that’s cheesy, but I’ll just blame it on my lack of sleep.) (:

So next time you think to worry your life away realize that there really is no point, because God is in charge so you might as well just talk to him instead of talking to others.

The rope course at camp - so cool! Just as the person climbing has to have faith in the person at the bottom to see the best view and hold their rope and catch them from falling so we have to do the same with God. Trust Him. We're climbing the ladder of life, and the rope is in His hands.

-GreenGirl

My Summer, God's Plan

It feel weird only posting this now and knowing I wrote it Sunday night, but I was having trouble logging into the wifi. No worries! I have figured it out, and hopefully I can now regularly update you all on my summer adventures! I am in California working as a media intern as a christian camp. I was nervous and scared to come here, not knowing what I was doing really. It wasn't how I pictured my big return to my home state, but better this than never returning at all, right? :) Anywho, the following thoughts are from two days ago . . .

"It’s only been two days, but already I know this is where I’m supposed to be. No, I haven’t gotten into the nitty-gritty, and no, no campers have arrived yet, but it’s clear this is where God has me for the summer.

Tonight we had a meeting, a church service of sorts for the staff in one of the camp halls. The pastor who came to speak to us, gave a great challenge about working in the ministry. I know it’s not easy. I know it will be a long and tiring two months, but I also know I will make it through alive.

Since I arrived here at Wolf Mountain, I’ve loved it. Growing up when we would go as a church group up to camp, I always enjoyed it. The idea of being away from the city, being surrounded by trees and nature and just being able to relax was such a blessing. Here I get a same feeling of sorts. I love nature and being able to sense God through it. Looking at the sky and acknowledging the fact that God made this all. We are but a minute part of His whole creation.

Yes, this summer I chose to leave my parents and my sisters behind for two months. Yes, I chose to gain little money for my work. But, as I learned my senior year at camp, “The happiest place on earth is in the center of God’s will.” And I don’t know where God’s will, will lead me in the future, but for this summer, for the next two months, God’s will for me is to serve as a media intern for Wolf Mountain, and I’m super excited to see what He has in store.

Prayers are appreciated as I continue in this adventure!

TTYS!

Do-over

Because sometimes when we want something in the heat of a moment, we don't realize what we're really saying. Then when we get it, we regret it though we weren't necessarily mistaken. To move on or not to move on . . . there may not be a right or wrong, but to stay in the middle zone and always flip-flop back and forth is doing even more harm. Once you have decided one way on the matter just go for it and go back for a re-do because then you'll just be hurting yourself again.


DO-OVER
I'm missing you like crazy,
Nothing that was still remains.
I left. But I did say goodbye!
I've got no one else to blame.

I thought it would be better,
Easier without you here.
Now I realize I'm bitter.
I'm the enemy I feared.

The emptiness is a knife.
Each thought of you stabs my heart.
Maybe if I get you back . . .
Could we perhaps push restart?

Late Night Confessions

I fall easy.
I fall fast.
I fall hard.
I have a hard time hiding my true feelings.
In fact, it's damn near impossible.
But don't ever think that what I say isn't 100.
Don't ever assume that I'm just talking fluff.
If I say something, I mean it.

Writing is my child made through love.
Talking is it's half sibling.
Similar in aspects,
Definitely related
But artistically they're each uniquely their own

Some people think my words are cheap.
No.
They're priceless.
If I compliment you,
It's from the part of my soul, black as the ocean.
If I say, "I can't live without you."
It's because I don't want to.
If I say, "I love you."
It means you're apart of the reason I wake up with a smile on my face very day.
And if I say, "I'm here for you."
It means call me, text me, wake me up, disrupt my thoughts, bother me night or day because
I. Do. care.

I want to be there for you.
I don't want you to ever doubt.

I want to be in front of you

For when you're afraid to step out.

I want to have your back
For when you fall.
I want to be by your side
For when you need a hand to hold.
I want to surround you with my love.

Because I know when someone has my back
When someone's in my corner cheering me on, urging me to get back up and fight
That's when I feel like I can take on the world.

I know I love too easy.
I know I smile too much.
I know I have trouble saying no,
And that it's difficult for me to get angry and remain mad,
But I acknowledge my imperfections.

And so help me,
If these are my burns to bear,
If these are my life's greatest struggles,
I shall count my blessings.
Living life proud to be me-
Chin held high, shoulders back and ready to move forward.
God created me this ways for a reason,
And I plan on living a long, healthy life before I meet Him to ask why.

Random thoughts . . .

Every life experience is significant though sometimes we don't realize it.

We go through both good and bad in life, but without this altering variety we wouldn't live life the same.

Change in our life is caused by choice. If you get in a car accident you choose to be extra aware of your surroundings while driving. Because whether or not it was your fault you don't want it to happen again. If by freak accident you almost drown in water because you can't swim you choose to sign up for classes at the local pool because again you want to avoid what happened (your near death experience.)

So on the subject of this live-and-learn experience it's important to realize that if we never get hurt by someone in a close relationship we would never learn how to forgive, and if we never passionately hated something how would we know true love when we find it? Life throws curveballs and we choose to react. But the bigger lesson is not in choosing between right and wrong; we all learned that in preschool. No, the real truth we need to be reminded of is that this choice, whether good/bad  right/wrong will impact our future.

For this reason I've never quite understood why people hate their past. I realize I may not know what you've been through, and I'm not going to pretend I do. I AM BLESSED. I've had a pretty great life compared to others but what's happened is in your past! Remember it or forget it, but either way FORGIVE it! Whether we like it or not, our past has made us who we are! I love me. I'm not trying to be vain or shallow, but I'm proud of my life with all its successes and all of its failures. Without the past their would be no future! By forgiving your past your give yourself permission to move one and truly know the meaning of life. Because what is life if we aren't living in the present?

Location and Identification

This summer was big, nah who am I kidding? IT WAS HUGE! I moved from my beloved state of California to the south. :/ The place I had heard stories of my entire life. That place where they speak English, but it sounds funny. The place where people are nice, but only to your face. The place where everyone goes to church, but that doesn't mean they're good people. The place where everything is sweet or fried or meat. The place where the girls are southern belles, and the boys are hat and boot wearing boys raised by anti-independent-women dads.

Yes. I know this makes me seem terrible, but this is what I knew of the south growing up. It's the stereotypes I was taught never having been to the south myself.

I've lived off and on in South Carolina for two years while attending college, but it's a university town, and I wasn't quite prepared to be totally immersed in the Southern culture.

So when I went home in May and found out that moving was in the works I freaked out!

I made it through . . . barely.

My friends in SC now have nicknamed me Cali'bama. I originally hated it, but it's kind of catchy and it helps explain myself to new folks (what the Southerners call a group of peeps).

Learning to live in a new world with new fashion and new lingo and new restaurants, etc. has been quite the experience. Sure I've lived in SC for two years with many southern friends but I never took seriously to adopting the southern ways because after all I was a Cali kid. I wasn't planning on sticking around. But now, boy have the tables turned. Not only do I have to understand these strange ways, but I must find substitutes for all my West Coast faves (In N Out, Peet's Coffee and Tea, KOIT, Dutch Bros. Coffee, the slang, the NorCal lifestyle, etc.)

I've felt lost. I'm still trying to figure out where I belong. I don't feel I can call Alabama home, but is California home if I don't live there? When people ask for introductions I never know where to say I'm from. I see someone in a Cali hoodie and I comment on it, but as soon as they ask where I live I feel awkward. I haven't yet made friends in Alabama, but as hard as I try it's so difficult to keep in touch with my old friends from CA. I don't count my parent's new church as mine because I've only been there once and know no one, but I don't belong to a church here in SC yet either.

The thing is, where I am from doesn't define me. I know that, but some days it's so hard to admit to myself. Who I am: my personality defines me, and that shouldn't change depending on where I live.

#TBT

So this is actually a bit that I had written quite a while ago, last summer if I'm not mistaken. I found it on my phone while deleting old notes and decided I liked the thought so I would post it. Looking back over old writings is always odd because even if it's a day later you realize 24 hours can have such a change on your outlook. It's also interesting seeing how you felt about certain issues and how now it differs. Anyway this is my old writing, feel free to judge as I did, but do not hate.

You know how you sometimes have those days where you feel your absolute worst? When someone left a chip bag full of crumbs in the cupboard or you hit your head getting out of bed or you lock yourself out of the house? Well, we've all had those days, but it seems those are the days when life can be a complete (for refusal of a stronger word) bully! Today seemed like one of those days. It was just plain terrible and the worst part was that I had nothing to blame it on. I should have been fine; any normal person would have been. Oh shoot! There's my problem -- normality. Haha it's overrated anyways . . .

My day was nothing to complain about, just shy of perfect with sunny summer weather, sleeping in and sisters, however something wasn't right and like I said I don't know why. For some reason I just felt like absolute crap! Life had changed the bowl of cherries into a bowel of berries and it was disgusting! Then Life had the audacity to try and shove more in my face like here take this! I went to the store with my girls and we were getting ice cream (a reasonable necessity when you're feeling down) when sure enough walking down one of the freezer aisles toward me was a beautiful specimen of a human being. I am one who believes it is just rude to be that beautiful! But there he goes looking all fine and perfect. I know some of you are pry like,"man that's annoying because he pry knew he was all good looking too, huh?" But no! That's just it- he acted as if he had no idea why I was gazing at him (probably with my moth gaped open and eyes glazed over). Lolz

Also, don't you go thinking that it was just me feeling insecure and depressed like, "oh, she would think any guy that walked past was better looking then her." NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! Like he was for real so darn beautiful, like angelic, Grecian god beautiful - I'm pretty sure there are statues made of him in the Pantheon! You'd have to be alien to not think he was perfect.

So at first I was mad -- blazing, roaring, spitting mad. Because I was having a bad day; how dare he be like that. Looking good and dressing nice and smiling a straight, white-teethed smile with sparkling eyes. Brown eyes. (Not like mine though, there were actually pretty brown.) Then I relized that "hey it was no big deal, just move on." Not everybody can be perfect because then we would all be the same -- BORING!

Moving on . . . I had just caught up with my mother who was checking out at the the cash registers when I decided to check out the magazine rack. I stepped forward and that's when I noticed the dude in front us!!! Mr. Perfect?!? How dare he show up again! I felt so angry with this guy, and I didn't even know who he was, but at the same time I couldn't stop gawking. I had seen him just a little while ago a yet there he was looking (if possible) even more attractive. He had dark brown, curly hair but not wild, unruly curls. Maybe it was the way he styled it - short and close to his head. Then he spoke to the cashier and that's when the magic happened. He started chatting in Spanish!?! I was like all "when did that happen?" like he just fluently talks in a romance language. I'm not sure if it's everyone or just me but if some person speaks more than just English they instantly become more awesome! I was so staring at this point and not even caring! Then he looked my way and smiled. At first I was flattered and then I was offended thinking he was amused at the amount of ice cream me and the girls were buying then I told my annoying self to piss off and just enjoy the beauty while it stood in front of me and that's just what I did.

I know this may have seemed stupid to read, and you don't even know why you read it at all or even chose to skip to the end and finish at all, but I did learn some lessons.

1.) God makes everyone beautiful - it may take a little longer to find someone's beauty but eventually if you get to know them well enough you will find it

2.) there's no time to waste hating those you don't even know; just get over yourself! Plus they don't even know you're mad at them so it's useless.

3.) enjoy the view. God didn't make people beautiful so no one would notice, tell them they look nice and move on, but no need to be a creep! (At this time in my life, I was pry a little creepy; don't follow my ways.)

and

4.) just be yourself.

I hope you've enjoyed my random throwback article. I am a writer and it's these little insignificant moments in life that later, when thought upon, become the big moments so cherish them and cherish life. The last thing I want to share is a thought I found on Pinterest by a Tumbler user (hence the weird username lolz) I found it so weird and amusing, but yet oddly inspiring and encouraging.

"Stop for just one Second.

Think about all the people you've had a crush on. All the people you've found attractive, but never said anything to. Every stranger you've temporarily fallen in love with on public transportation. All the people you've dreamt of and thought of in the early mornings.

And now take a moment to realize that you've been this person for so many people . . . and you have no idea."

-spookyphoque

xo
GreenGirl

I'm Baaaaaack

The winds of change are in the air. Big change. Is it scary? Totally. Does it make me nervous? Yes. Am I anxious to know the outcome? Of course. But does it excite me? HELL YA!

I love having some consistency in my life. I understand why having a routine is important. I'm a list person, and I like having priorities. I'll be the first to admit that I always follow the recipe, and I hate when people decide last minute to hang out or make plans. BUT there's a large part of me that loves change. No. I crave change. I can't stand being in the same place for a long time and I love changing up the furniture in a room or dramatically changing my style of clothing or hair.

Without change life gets stale and boring. It's the same thing every minute of every day. As much as I hate being spontaneous, I love being random!

So, these changing winds are blowing into my life, and I'm not totally sure what to think. I want to just talk to people and figure it out, but as of the beginning of the year I am currently bestfriendless. My pity party has ended but it's times like these that I wish we were still close. It's not him I miss necessarily, but what he represented (which in high school was just about everything). He was the consistency in my changing life, and now I have change and excitement, but no one to get that steadiness from. Oh well, to whoever is out there reading my weird little blog on the world wide web, stay tuned because this summer is bound to bring big change and adventure! :) <3

~GreenGirl

Me in all honesty:

I'm not skinny. I don't count calories. I'm a size 14/16 on a good day. I don't want to look like a supermodel. I love my curves and my boobs (though they are a struggle!) I don't want to be scrawny, and I sure as hell don't want to be something I'm not! But I do want change. I want to be able to walk up three flights of stairs without needing to catch my breath. I would love to lose a little belly fat so my pants don't make that awkward bulge. I want to be able to run long enough so I'm not embarrassed to talk about my exercise habits. I want to run during the day, but I'm self conscious of people seeing the big girl with the huge chest trying to run.

You see, I love my body, but I'm tired of using it as an excuse. "I love my body so I don't need change." "I love my body so why should I have to conform?" I finally figured it out! If I truly love my body then I will change because the way I am, though I'm not obese, is not the best I could be living. I want my body able to sleep well at night and wake up feeling refreshed. I want to feel comfortable with every inch of my body and not just my legs and butt.

So this is my promise to myself and to my body and to my God. I will live my life to honor my body. My body is a temple, and I will treat it as such. This is not to conform to society or peer pressure but rather to gain self acceptance.

Friend, it doesn't have to be New Year's to make a resolution. I challenge you today to promise yourself to be a better you tomorrow than you are today. Live your life so that when you look in the mirror each morning you can proudly nod your head and say, "Damn. That's a fine specimen of a human being. I'm surprised the aliens haven't abducted me yet." So live loud, live proud and live life to the absolute fullest.

Thanks to all my friends and family who have loved me and accepted me before I even fully accepted myself. Hugs, kisses, and lots of love. xoxoxo

-GreenGirl

Crazy Love

Some people say, "Being in love makes you do crazy things." This does not justify doing stupid things though.

I was attending an exercise class the other day and I was meeting some of the people. I introduced myself to a girl (who for this story will be called Luanne). Luanne was saying how she was trying to work out to feel better for her wedding. I congratulated her on her noteworthy goal and she told me that she already fit in her dress, but it was more about making her feel better about herself. I rightly figured that as any person planning to get married she would love to talk about it so as we continued with our light workout we spoke of her quickly approaching big day (about 2 weeks!)

Speaking with Luanne some more I asked her the basic college questions (we were taking an on-campus class). Luanne however told me that she was no longer in college. She had dropped out last spring due to finances (totally understandable!) She was planning on returning in the fall, but that summer she met a dude and started dating him. She said (not that I believe her) that they got to know each other really well super quickly and not too long later he proposed and she (obviously) said yes. I must have had a look of pure shock and slight judgment because she quickly stated "By the time we get married we'll have known each other longer than 6 months." As if that makes it better! Oh. Okay. That makes sense, I mean how dare you guys be together longer than that without getting hitched. Aye yai yai!

I'm not trying to be mean to her and say that her marriage won't work out or that they aren't meant for each other. I mean, hell, I barely know the girl and I've never even seen her fiancé. All I know is that if this is what falling head over heals is, if this is what it's like to be blinded by love, if this is what it's like to be crazy in love, leave me out. I will be crazy any day and I will love any day, but it's clear that they aren't meant to be together. PB&J, Mac & Cheese, Seth & Summer, but not Crazy & in Love.

-GreenGirl

Back in the Land of Undrinkable Tea and Incomprehensible Speaking

Oy! It's crazy! I thought I was ready to be back here, but apparently it isn't so. I know it's only been three weeks, but it seems like it's been so long!

My current problem is Spanish. :/ It was a huge problem for me last semester also and I tried blaming it on all kind of things and all kinds of people, but compiling didn't change anything so I decided to stop being so negative. So this semester I am changing my ways.

You see, I want to learn Spanish I truly do. Back home (on the best coast) you hear Spanish everywhere! My best friend in the whole wide world speaks Spanish, my brother's wife speaks Spanish, here I met a girl from Spain and dude from Mexico and another dude from Puerto Rico. I think it would be the coolest thing ever if I could learn to speak to them in their native language. I want to go back home and not just hear Spanish but be able to understand it and turn around and say something back! :) So you see, I really do have the desire to learn.

The other night I went to a ULA (University Language Association) meeting on campus and it was so cool! The whole thing was done in Spanish and I had the best time! I'm hoping that by this summer (okay, maybe the end of the summer . . .) I will be able to have a light conversation with someone. As long as they go slow!

So I have rededicated myself to learning Spanish. I say random words and phrases in spanish around the room. "Estoy muy cansada." "en la ventana" "mi silla y pupitre" it must sound so funny mixed in with my English, but I figure if i start using the vocabulary in every day life then I won't be so shy to use it in public when I get to that point. And no doubt about it, that point will come because this girl *points emphatically at self* is going to learn Spanish! :D

~GreenGirl

Sing to Me Country!

I know I am from California. How can I ever forget? It's the best state ever, and I love it! BUT! I have a confession to make; I'm not proud of it (being a California kid), but I can't help it! I have learned to love country music. I mean, I guess it was inevitable going to college in the south, but still, at first I thought I would fit right in because I was always the odd one out back home because I liked country music (aka Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood). I didn't realize that it gets so much worse/better than that (depending on your view). At first I wasn't sure what to think. It was weird-no lie! They sang about the most random things! However, it soon started to grow on me. I am now a firm believer that a weird southern twang/drawl can only sound good singing a country song. Now, I like the random things they sing about; it makes the song seem more real. Because they choose specific random words it makes it seem more personal and like they picked out each word carefully, which reminds me of poetry. Hmmm. . . Sorry, I just had a great [country] song come on and play softly in my ears. That's another thing. Country music is feel good music which I love! Music should make you feel good. Whether your super sad or super happy you can listen to country music and it's like a good friend. It will comfort you and wrap you in a big southern hug. :) I think to enjoy country music the most you have to experience it the way they sing about it. Riding around in your pickup truck with the windows open and breeze on your face. This is what I did last year with my roommate and is what probably started this weird love affair I have with country music. I don't know. I have a feeling it's something about being in the south though. Like I cannot imagine going back home for Christmas break and jamming to my country playlist that I've since listened to while back at college. You know what I mean though? Like country music is great while you're actually in the country because you can relate to everything they're singing about, but if I'm driving down the highway in California I don't know if it would feel the same. Anyway, now you know my confession. Though I'm not apologizing for it. I like country music; not nearly as much as the southern sweet talking girl next door but enough. I understand if you don't like it; heck I know I didn't until I was immersed in the country culture for a year. All I ask is that if you ever find yourself stranded in the south with some person talking so strangely you have no frickin' idea what they're saying then just turn on the radio and give country music a chance. Music is a universal language so maybe country music is your link to the south.

P.S.
If you find yourself falling in love with it like an unexpected crush then you're welcome! HAHA! ;-)

xoxoxo
-GreenGirl

Give me forgiveness for not giving blood.

This is the second time it's happened, once last semester and now this week.

Everyone is donating blood. The vans are parked on front campus and students line up to give their blood and get a T-shirt. I can't. I want to, but I can't. I know I'm not the only one, but I'm pretty sure I am the only one without a valid excuse. Some were born in another country; some don't weigh enough; some have low iron or insulin and some have had a sickness or disease so they cannot partake. Not me. I am totally healthy, a little overweight and was born in the awesome USA, but yet I cannot give blood. It's not that I don't try, but I can never make it onto the vans. The same thing happened twice.  I get saddened and guilty seeing everyone wearing their T-shirts like it's their trophy proudly earned and bandages on their arms like it covers their battle wound received by saving lives.

My conscious tells me I need to give blood so I walk to the vans from my dorm. The walk is sobering as I think over my decision and make sure I want to do this. I realize it's a good cause so I keep on. I continue until I am 15 feet from the vans, lines of people and busy workers. I can't move any more. I just stand there frozen in fear. I don't know what goes on in the van. I don't know the process and if I'm honest with myself I don't want to know! I have a fear of blood and needles. They say it isn't uncommon, but it seems as if I am the only one on campus who is allowing it to get in the way of giving blood.

Oh no! A worker just spotted me. He tilts his head in my direction and walks over. "Hey you going to get in line?" he asks. "Um, ya, maybe." I manage to get out through my dry mouth. "Alright, well, the line's moving down so now is a good time." He replies with a small smile before turning around to walk away. As soon as he's far enough away and I know he's not looking I scram. I am so embarrassed! He caught me and I didn't even have the guts to tell him that I wish I could, but I was scared spitless!

Why does this happen to me? I get so mad! Why do I have to be a coward?

There was a girl I knew last year, who I found out could relate to me! She didn't like needles and blood either, and it felt great knowing that I wasn't the only not giving, but then she abandoned me! She ended up being talked into giving blood by a friend and said it was no big deal. Now she is one of the ones I try to avoid because she is the biggest pain trying to guilt me into giving (like I don't guilt myself enough)! It's not the pain I'm afraid of; it's my imagination. I can't get over my brain giving me super violent images of needles and blood and all that could go wrong and me fainting and every other hypothetical situation! I know you should just ignore all the "what ifs" but maybe there's good reason for them. I honestly don't know.

I feel like I'm just being so selfish, but at the same time I know that's not the reason I'm not giving. I want to save lives! I want to be a hero! I want to be able to say I gave blood and proudly wear the T-shirt everyone else wears, but I can't. I don't say that lightly. I know many may say "Yes, she can; she just chooses not to; she won't." But I seriously don't know if I will ever be able to make it closer than 15 feet in front of the van. This fact saddens me and makes me angry, but I have a fear. Yes, I may be dramatic and yes I may very well be overreacting, but that doesn't make it any less real.

So I am sorry. If I offend you, if I make you angry, if you need blood some day and I'm your type, but I didn't give any then I truly am sorry. But for now when I cannot give blood, forgive me. I hope someday this changes; I hope to give blood, but until then please do not have ought against me. Don’t judge; instead look into your soul to the kid you used to be. The one dreadfully afraid to go to the doctor’s to get your shots and remember how squeamish your stomach was and how bad you wanted to run away. How you wanted to kick the doctor and scream at the top of your lungs and cry. This is how I feel every time I stand in front of those white vans.

Today's thoughts: What you do doesn't make you, you!

Saying "nothing personal" just ensures that I will take it personal. It's like going hunting and saying "I'm not hunting you." to the deer while having the bullseye target on its back but not shooting.

Saying "I'm sorry." doesn't really count when the only reason you say it is because it makes you a better person.

And saying "I'm not all that" doesn't mean anything when the reason you say that is because you think you are all that. If you didn't you wouldn't have to keep telling yourself that you're not; you would just know.

I'm not disappointed in you; I'm disappointed in what you've done. You are not the same person you were, and the old you would not have done what the new you just did. Just as I love you, but hate what you've done; so I'm saddened for you but not what life has handed you. Because perhaps without you going through what you are now you will not learn what you will and you will still be the you that I love but am disappointed in your actions. At least for now though it pains me to see you struggling I have the hope that with these troubles something good will come. A change, a change of you so that what I know you to be will be what every one else sees as well.

I don't understand.

     Let's be honest. We don't understand everything that happens. We rarely do. I don't know why I woke up late this morning and my alarm didn't go off. I don't know why I'm half way across the country from my home to go to college. And I don't know why my computer decided to be stupid and totally erase this blog post that I had already written.

     But it's life, and it's unfair, and it's not supposed to make sense. The reality is that the unpredictability of life is what makes it so great! The fact that you never know what's going to happen and that at any one moment life can change.

     What makes it not so great? The fact that those changes can either be for the worse or the better. Until the time when pigs fly, I stop writing, guys stop being weird, and Green Lantern stops being cool we'll never know the answer to the big question WHY?

     But alas, even on the worst of days let us be comforted by the thought, that God is in control. No matter how big, how scary, or how stupid your situation may seem he's got it all figured out. He loves us and wants the best for us, and that's why we don't know why yet. Because, he saves the best for last. :)



I Do Not Understand, God! God?



I know you have a plan,

But you're not sharing it.

You don't have to--you're king.

Sometimes, I still question.

If you want the world saved

And you bring them so close;

Why not just do the rest

To save them from the ledge?

Especially when family

Who love them and do care

Are praying like crazy,

And nothing seem to help!

I know I have no right

To question what you choose,

But sometimes it's worse pain

To watch loved ones suffer.



Stay Strong,

GreenGirl

Scholarships!

   Most people don't enjoy competing for scholarships because "They take too long." or "I'll never win." or "THEY'RE ALWAYS ESSAYS!" No, they aren't always essay, but many of them are which gives me an advantage since I like to write! Now, I know they can be odd and weird subjects, but those are ones to go for because just as you are saying in your head "I'm not doing this it's too weird." There's others saying the same and not even trying so go ahead and just put something in. I bet the companies that offer the prize money choose those topics since their so different because then it really narrows down how many submissions they get. Anyways, I recently wrote an essay for a scholarship it wasn't weird but it was enjoyable. I had to write my plans for the future in 500 words or less. Who knows if I'll win, but as I said I do it because I am a writer! Here's what I wrote:

As Martin Luther King Junior had a dream so do I. I plan to graduate from college in the spring of 2017 with a bachelor’s degree in Journalism and Mass Communication. By then I will have had an internship with a local newspaper. This will set me up for an after-college job. Most likely I will start as small column journalist for a local newspaper here I will develop a solid reputation until I can move to a larger newspaper firm in a big city where I can develop my skills further. While working for the newspaper I will continue to do what I love most-write creatively. This will be in my free time and I will be working to gain an audience and good repute for my career change. I will work in the news industry until I save up enough money to support myself for at least a year without any income. I am to become a freelance writer (someone who can support themselves solely off of their own writing), but even if I don’t sell anything right off I have money saved for this occasion. I have a yearning to be able to share my words and thoughts with others on a large scale. I feel through writing I can express myself better and make my points clearly known. I want to influence people through my writing and hopefully have a successful writing career. My writing will be mostly poetry and fiction. I wish to share my happiness with others and put a smile on the face of anyone who reads my work. Many people say they love writing, but they are the same people who throw “love” around as if it’s just another word. I believe the thing that sets me apart from others is my raw need for writing. I would write even if the most important people in the world told me I was a terrible writer because I do not write for others but for myself. I do not just enjoy writing; I crave it. If you don’t have something to say why would people listen or read your work? I have a story to tell and writing is my means of telling it to the world. One day, I will have a book published; you can bet on it. So keep your eye on Oprah’s Book Club and on the New York Time’s bestseller’s list because one day it may my book you see there. Walt Disney said, “All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.” And I for one have both dreams and courage.

I apologize.

There's always those days where you don't know why, but you just don't feel like yourself. This was me today. I was quiet and felt gloomy and so unlike myself. It wasn't PMS; it wasn't because it was rainy, and it wasn't because of dumb drama. (Drama you thought you'd be done with once you got out of high school, but then realize that even in college there's kids that think they are still in high school and will do anything to create drama.) But back to now.

It just didn't make sense. I felt like a lost puppy all day wandering around hoping to find my owner, but not knowing where I was. I didn't want to feel like this, but I couldn't help it. It was as if the real me was being shoved aside by this girl who was rude and dark. I hated her, but that just added anger to my pot of gloom.

It was a long day; a Monday which also seemed to make it seem worse! All day, I felt like crying for the littlest things! It was so annoying. I would hear someone tell their friend a sad story and I would want to cry! I would hear a simple, beautiful song and my mind screamed "CRY!" I refused. I would not be that girl, the girl that cries for no reason. The girl that when everyone else is singing she breaks down sobbing. That would not be me. So when my eyes automatically started to tear up I stopped them in their tracks. They would not get past me. I was the gatekeeper of my soul and nothing would pass without my permission.

Fast-forward to tonight. It's been a looooooong day. I am tired. I am worn. I am frustrated. I am angry at myself for being tired and worn and frustrated, and finally I let loose. I cry and I don't even try and stop the tears. The gatekeeper retired for the day, and anything goes past without inspection. I don't like the wet tracks on my cheeks, but my soul is feeling more free so I let it go on. Everything from the day is washed away by these salty tears. I cry an ocean and when it's over nothing remains. The bitterness, anger, and other suppressed feelings are gone. Only I remain. My body too limp to do anything but slouch in my bed, and my brain too tired to do anything but hope I never experience this again.

So this is my apology to anyone that had to deal with me today. I take full credit for the sad, depressed girl that you saw; there's no one else to blame. I would love to say it wasn't me, but I would be lying. All I know is that I never want to be that girl again. If that means crying once in a while just because, then so be it. This day I promise to try and be the girl that not just you expect me to be, but to be everything I expect of myself. To not be transparent and insecure-this is my goal. Thank you to all that deal with me despite my imperfections. <3 xoxoxo

~GreenGirl