I don't understand.

     Let's be honest. We don't understand everything that happens. We rarely do. I don't know why I woke up late this morning and my alarm didn't go off. I don't know why I'm half way across the country from my home to go to college. And I don't know why my computer decided to be stupid and totally erase this blog post that I had already written.

     But it's life, and it's unfair, and it's not supposed to make sense. The reality is that the unpredictability of life is what makes it so great! The fact that you never know what's going to happen and that at any one moment life can change.

     What makes it not so great? The fact that those changes can either be for the worse or the better. Until the time when pigs fly, I stop writing, guys stop being weird, and Green Lantern stops being cool we'll never know the answer to the big question WHY?

     But alas, even on the worst of days let us be comforted by the thought, that God is in control. No matter how big, how scary, or how stupid your situation may seem he's got it all figured out. He loves us and wants the best for us, and that's why we don't know why yet. Because, he saves the best for last. :)



I Do Not Understand, God! God?



I know you have a plan,

But you're not sharing it.

You don't have to--you're king.

Sometimes, I still question.

If you want the world saved

And you bring them so close;

Why not just do the rest

To save them from the ledge?

Especially when family

Who love them and do care

Are praying like crazy,

And nothing seem to help!

I know I have no right

To question what you choose,

But sometimes it's worse pain

To watch loved ones suffer.



Stay Strong,

GreenGirl

Scholarships!

   Most people don't enjoy competing for scholarships because "They take too long." or "I'll never win." or "THEY'RE ALWAYS ESSAYS!" No, they aren't always essay, but many of them are which gives me an advantage since I like to write! Now, I know they can be odd and weird subjects, but those are ones to go for because just as you are saying in your head "I'm not doing this it's too weird." There's others saying the same and not even trying so go ahead and just put something in. I bet the companies that offer the prize money choose those topics since their so different because then it really narrows down how many submissions they get. Anyways, I recently wrote an essay for a scholarship it wasn't weird but it was enjoyable. I had to write my plans for the future in 500 words or less. Who knows if I'll win, but as I said I do it because I am a writer! Here's what I wrote:

As Martin Luther King Junior had a dream so do I. I plan to graduate from college in the spring of 2017 with a bachelor’s degree in Journalism and Mass Communication. By then I will have had an internship with a local newspaper. This will set me up for an after-college job. Most likely I will start as small column journalist for a local newspaper here I will develop a solid reputation until I can move to a larger newspaper firm in a big city where I can develop my skills further. While working for the newspaper I will continue to do what I love most-write creatively. This will be in my free time and I will be working to gain an audience and good repute for my career change. I will work in the news industry until I save up enough money to support myself for at least a year without any income. I am to become a freelance writer (someone who can support themselves solely off of their own writing), but even if I don’t sell anything right off I have money saved for this occasion. I have a yearning to be able to share my words and thoughts with others on a large scale. I feel through writing I can express myself better and make my points clearly known. I want to influence people through my writing and hopefully have a successful writing career. My writing will be mostly poetry and fiction. I wish to share my happiness with others and put a smile on the face of anyone who reads my work. Many people say they love writing, but they are the same people who throw “love” around as if it’s just another word. I believe the thing that sets me apart from others is my raw need for writing. I would write even if the most important people in the world told me I was a terrible writer because I do not write for others but for myself. I do not just enjoy writing; I crave it. If you don’t have something to say why would people listen or read your work? I have a story to tell and writing is my means of telling it to the world. One day, I will have a book published; you can bet on it. So keep your eye on Oprah’s Book Club and on the New York Time’s bestseller’s list because one day it may my book you see there. Walt Disney said, “All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.” And I for one have both dreams and courage.

I apologize.

There's always those days where you don't know why, but you just don't feel like yourself. This was me today. I was quiet and felt gloomy and so unlike myself. It wasn't PMS; it wasn't because it was rainy, and it wasn't because of dumb drama. (Drama you thought you'd be done with once you got out of high school, but then realize that even in college there's kids that think they are still in high school and will do anything to create drama.) But back to now.

It just didn't make sense. I felt like a lost puppy all day wandering around hoping to find my owner, but not knowing where I was. I didn't want to feel like this, but I couldn't help it. It was as if the real me was being shoved aside by this girl who was rude and dark. I hated her, but that just added anger to my pot of gloom.

It was a long day; a Monday which also seemed to make it seem worse! All day, I felt like crying for the littlest things! It was so annoying. I would hear someone tell their friend a sad story and I would want to cry! I would hear a simple, beautiful song and my mind screamed "CRY!" I refused. I would not be that girl, the girl that cries for no reason. The girl that when everyone else is singing she breaks down sobbing. That would not be me. So when my eyes automatically started to tear up I stopped them in their tracks. They would not get past me. I was the gatekeeper of my soul and nothing would pass without my permission.

Fast-forward to tonight. It's been a looooooong day. I am tired. I am worn. I am frustrated. I am angry at myself for being tired and worn and frustrated, and finally I let loose. I cry and I don't even try and stop the tears. The gatekeeper retired for the day, and anything goes past without inspection. I don't like the wet tracks on my cheeks, but my soul is feeling more free so I let it go on. Everything from the day is washed away by these salty tears. I cry an ocean and when it's over nothing remains. The bitterness, anger, and other suppressed feelings are gone. Only I remain. My body too limp to do anything but slouch in my bed, and my brain too tired to do anything but hope I never experience this again.

So this is my apology to anyone that had to deal with me today. I take full credit for the sad, depressed girl that you saw; there's no one else to blame. I would love to say it wasn't me, but I would be lying. All I know is that I never want to be that girl again. If that means crying once in a while just because, then so be it. This day I promise to try and be the girl that not just you expect me to be, but to be everything I expect of myself. To not be transparent and insecure-this is my goal. Thank you to all that deal with me despite my imperfections. <3 xoxoxo

~GreenGirl

My head to my heart to my hand...

     Well, it's been a while again since I last wrote. Man, I really hate it when I forget to post! Anyways, for a while I was having trouble writing. It seemed nothing was flowing which didn't make sense. I kept thinking, "I know I have stuff I want to say; it's in there somewhere!" For some reason it just wouldn't come out onto paper! It's a hard process really. I have to know what I want to say in my head and get the thought perfect, then run it through the veins of my heart so that it gets the feelings and passion put into it, and lastly my hand must cooperate and physically put the words on paper in good lines of poetry. My sister sent me my poetry journal from home (I had forgotten it there over Christmas break). I received it in the mail maybe two/three weeks ago. I immediately opened it up and read some old poetry, that I believe is still some of my best, then I turned to a blank page. For some reason turning to a blank page gives me a fluttery feeling I can't describe-it's the best! As soon as I uncapped one of my favorite pens my hand seemed uncontrollable as it flew across the page jotting down lines of poetry. It was so strange! There was no struggle my hand finally decided to deliberate with my head and my heart and the results weren't too shabby. :) This is only one of the poems that was written that day and the best part? My writing hasn't stopped; so be expecting more poetry soon!

Silver Lining:

It's been said to me before

"Why must you smile so,

Is your life, like, perfect?"

I always reply, "No."

My life has ups and downs

Just like every other soul

It depends upon your outlook

Is your glass half empty or full?

~GreenGirl

Happy or Sad? Your choice.

I don't know why it is, but for some reason people seem to think that writers are attracted to dark, cold places. Though I cannot speak for all writers I can speak for one and that one does like cold, dark places which is why she is very content on a day like today.



Today is foggy and overcast and as I stepped out of the dungeon I call home I realized that it was drizzling outside. How happy I was to be walking to my classroom in this lovely weather. I couldn't help but notice how miserable everyone looked and then there was me with a goofy smile on my face. I have been told more than once that I have an odd outlook on life but  this was one of the few times where it has been blindingly true! This does not bother me. Because knowing your weakness (if you call it that) is the first step to using that weakness to become a better person. My "weirdness" has given me a special talent that most people live without--the ability to find the silver lining in any situation. I have realized that no matter what the situation you can find the good in it. It may take a while and you may have to think on it, but sooner or later you can find it if you are looking. I pity the people who choose to live without this. You see, it's one of those talents where the more often that you practice it the better you get. So anyone if willing can become a pro at this game. Some however still choose to have a sour look on life. No matter what the situation, they fall into a trap of finding the negative, but just as my talent develops with time so this problem of finding the worst instead of the best can get better with time. All you must do is choose not to find the bad. No one/thing is perfect, but they must have some good hidden in them. Which is why I have made it my job to find it.



xoxoxo,

GreenGirl

Living Life ;)

*written yesterday, but I didn't have internet…*

      Sometimes I question my choice to attend college, as I do all my major, life-altering questions. Doubts (without fail) always come because they are so huge. This week I was doing some thinking and I realize that sometimes (not always) I wish I could permanently be forever young. I know I'm too young to be wishing for my youth back and that it's way too early for me to be having a midlife crisis, but I'm pretty sure that, that is what this is. I just want to be a teen again! My high school years were the best. I was happy, content, and had a big happy family. Now, my life is different. It's not bad it's just changed SO much. I almost don't recognize it myself. Sometimes it's as if I'm watching my life before my eyes like a movie on fast forward mode, but I don't have the remote and I can't control it!!! It's not that I'm unhappy with my life and everything is miserable it's just that for the first time it is a challenge; I can no longer just coast sitting by the sidelines; I have to jump in the game. The only reason my high school years were the "best" is because I just got out of them! I need to realize that if my life is boring there is no one to blame but myself. So ready or not-new year here I come!

     Today I left to go back to college. I was ready; I mean I was after all going to be a second semester freshman so I had no worries. No one told me, however that it was going to be way harder than the first time. I got almost no sleep and cried the whole way to the airport. When I arrived I gave tearful hugs and kisses to both my mother and soulmate. In my mind I knew it was going to be only 4 months, and that they would fly by once I was at college, but at the same time I realized that this thought only added to my emotions. The fact that so much can happen in 4 months both excited me and freaked me out. Yes, there are many adventures waiting for me at college, but I couldn't help but wonder what I was going to miss not being at home. The second realization that was haunting my subconscious was realizing that the time spent at college was going to fly by, yet it was going to be jam packed with mundane college life with crazy activities mixed in, but when looked back upon during the summer I would ask myself, "What have you accomplished this semester?" And I had better not disappoint myself.

     Either way, I'm on my way to further educate myself and hopefully succeed in life along the way. With heightened emotions I bid thee farewell. xoxoxo

     -GreenGirl

My First Free Verse

Usually I never write free verse poetry. I am not against it, and it's not that I consider it a "weaker" form of poetry. It's quite the opposite, actually. I feel like free verse almost takes more talent to write (correctly that is) so I have always shied away from it. The other night however I was trying to write a poem to express my feelings and get them out on paper and I realized I couldn't quite tell the exact twist because the rhyme or meter kept messing up. I decided to try a free verse poem then and there. If it didn't work out then fine maybe it wasn't meant to be but if it did then that's one more accomplishment. The following poem is what I wrote I like it because you choose each and every word you use. Each word of each line is significant for its exact meaning and usage to express my exact thoughts. So you be the judge.


DIFFERENT :(:
I'm the big girl in the little corner,
In my own little world
With big brown eyes
And a smile to match in size.

It's hard for this freshman to make it,
Here where the mean dog wins.
I try my best to fit in,
But I can't conform to their shape.

I'm just an innocent child
Who's not afraid to admit
Most nights I lie in bed
To homesick to even sleep.

I get up each morning
With coffee in my system,
And choose to get on with the day.
The beginning affects your outcome.

I've been told many a thing,
But I'm determined when I pass,
None will be able to say
She never ever tried.